A Blog Between the Lines

That fleeting emotion I felt is dead to me. The hope I held of any expectation is far more dead to me. The ability to trust again is dead. Anything but trauma after trauma is just spiritual death all over again. The ability to hold down a job is causing me to want death even more. So is the idea of a friendship, or any sort of relationship. Any ambition I have previously held onto is just a dark shadow that has ceased to exist long ago. The dreams have reached their expiration date and have reached their time long ago, they were dead all along. Any life I tried to prescribe to them were just lifeless masses of hope, waiting to be formally recognized as dead once more. The ability to concentrate on one thing at a time is just another dream, killing me softly inside. The prospects of a fulfilling career have all been lost to the capitalist motives of this country; the remnants of debt are interfering with my ability to function. A sense of purpose is all I ask for, but there seems to be ...

When he or she approaches me, the intention is hit or miss. The micro-expressions, subtle shifty eye movements, and overall vibe give me an overall idea of how to approach the encounter. Rather than avoid it in the back of my mind, my approach is to accept it for what it is. Whether it be a positive force or not, it is best to embrace it regardless. There is always something to learn from it all, regardless of recognizing its potential or not. This mentality allows me to attract benevolence without the associated fear of harm. With the absence of fear, life can flow much more smoothly. Once you let fear, doubt, and uncertainty dominate your mind, your actions become skewed thereafter. You become a breeding ground for opportunists, they will come after you like a magnet. More than likely, it is a sort of law of spiritual attraction. The more out of line you are with your core, the more opportunities will arise for your life to be led astray. The more in tune you are, the more likely you...

At times, the tone and inflection behind stated words bears so much more weight than the actual message itself. The emotional impact hits my soul leaving me pensive for hours on end. The constant rumination about the intended message along with lingering insecurities wreaks havoc on my brain. The more analysis you put forward, the more confusion results. The weaknesses that gently simmer within me are illuminated, a form of wild incineration. The people around me use these vulnerabilities as their ammunition: they light the torch with their raging fire and use it as their clandestine weapon. The feeling of invisibility that this method of defense gives them allows them to propel forward and steer them away from their own problems, the ones that cause them to lash out and consume those around them. The void that needs to be addressed, instead accumulates and gains more momentum in order to destroy them the more they avoid it. This unproductive repetitive cycle of improperly dealing with...

The warmth from within can at times be met with an unwelcome frigid cold front on the surface. Many times, a state of oblivion would be equivalent to a state of bliss in order to remain safe. Whether it be a rough day, a heartache, or a significant loss, the odds are usually more persistent than we'd like. Any attempts to explain the process verbally turns into a distortion of facts. The emotion takes ahold and makes us fall short of living up to the experience. With the endless expectations, demands, and deadlines, the act of living on a daily basis becomes more of a rehearsed choir. The ability to stand on our own feet and think for ourselves no longer exists, we simply exist for our surroundings.  Our thoughts can easily consume us from within, especially if they are left to simmer over time. This unhealthy sequence of mental events can lead to impulsivity and much more. In an effort to release this tension, destructive behaviors can easily take a toll on our emotional wellbeing...

Many experiences can serve to open our mind towards the reality of what we live. For those that enjoy living a blindfolded lifestyle, these defining moments can serve as a reminder of true representation. We can comfortably settle into a life of authenticity rather than serve as a passive victim of what life has to offer. This method of control and dominance over the outcome of our lives can allow us to grow and transform who we are. Rather than trying to flee when a problem arises, we are able to face it courageously and gain strength and clarity. In terms of trauma, many experiences can leave a deep mark on who we are as a person. These events can leave us prone to bouts of depression and anxiety if left unresolved. Certain events that happen to us are uncontrollable; we simply cannot choose how life deals its cards. Rather than harping on dismal outcomes, we can choose to see the silver lining. If you can truly examine the potential to evolve spiritually from an event, you wi...

At times, life becomes so complicated that you forget the simplicity behind the thought process. Our minds overtake our reasoning and get the best of us. At other times, we may overly rely on intuition and neglect logic and reasoning. Regardless of the method or thought process that we may choose, the idiosyncrasies of life can cause us to lose sight of the bigger picture and larger context of the world that continues to revolve despite our momentary problems that bring us to a stop. As a clairsentient and highly sensitive person, it becomes challenging to keep things simple and straight forward. Whether it be trying to focus on multiple tasks at once or trying to accomplish a simple menial task, the emotions surrounding me take ahold of my reasoning more than the significance of the task in front of me. This method of living my life based on how everything feels to me can be mentally draining. Much of the logic behind my daily actions becomes skewed and most of my decisions bec...

Control is very powerful. Some of us seek to establish control, and others submit to it. Whether it be a sense of powerlessness, or simple anxiety, a sense of control is vital to establishing our grip on life. Some of us resort to religious ideologies, and others resort to criminal activity and affiliations in order to grab a hold of an identity and sense of belongingness. These forms of congregating allows us to be controlled by a leader or an overarching theme. We may ask ourselves, why do we have a burning desire to be led and guided along our own individualized paths? The answer resides in human nature in itself, the need to assert dominance and conquer territory of its own. Throughout the primal periods of existence, our ancestors evolved on the basis of control. Many forms of government and religious figures emerged and sustained their existence by the mere ability to provide a sense of order to a population in disarray. As the saying goes, "history repeats itself...

Overtime, experiences can open our perspective to consider alternative routes or solutions. This sort of paradigm shift in our thought process can lead to thoughts venturing into uncharted territories. For a lot of us, this unknown territory can cause lots of fear, uncertainty, and anxiety. Many of those that become a victim to this downfall can easily turn to other sources of comfort, whether it be drugs, alcohol, or other risky behaviors. This sort of attempt to compensate for inner feelings of inadequacy can prove dangerous if the right support system is not there to serve as a buffer. Overall, the psych and our underlying thought processes can serve as rejuvenating fuel, or as a downward spiral into the unknown. My possibilities have been endless, from the start of many new chapters in my life, to ruminating over the closed ones. Thankfully, despite the instability associated with it all, the experiences have been plentiful. One of my favorite moments of introspection have oc...

At times, it's scary to just sit down and write. Your ideas cannot formulate onto paper the more you try to materialize them. Your thoughts become a blur, a fleeting moment you wish to remember. The more pressing the need the write, the harder it becomes. Your mind goes blank in that precise moment that you need a release. A foggy haze gets swept up in your mind; the more you try, the more you fail. This disorganized writing process starts to become your norm. You finally come to terms with it and learn to live with it: it's simply your style. Writing has served as an outlet for me, especially during times of peak stress. Whether it be from career demands or interpersonal strain, putting these sensations onto paper gives me a sense of empowerment. After it becomes transferred onto another medium such as a computer screen or piece of paper, the effect of this in and of itself serves as a reminder of the transient nature of emotions. As fragile and delicate as they may be, e...

Source: Thegazapost.com At this point, there is no need to mention the obvious impact that the pandemic has had on our lives. More importantly, the spike in statistics related to the mortality of COVID-19 in addition to the preventive measures that many of our daily lives have had to adopt has taken a remarkable toll on our mental well-being. A large portion of the world has been delegated stay at home orders, virtual communication, and jeopardized finances. The result of the imminent changes has provided the world at large a generalized sense of fear-or formally stated-a perpetual state of anxiety towards the uncertainty revolving around us. The novel nature of the virus has created many implications for us, including an inability to predict the success of a potential vaccine, or worse, a morbid outlook in terms of recovery. This method of dealing with an obscure forecast and prognosis for those already infected has led many folks to spend large portions of their already dwind...

How to Survive Uncertainty Many of us, especially with the recent current event of COVID-19, have been placed in uncharted territory. What this implies is that many have been laid off, placed on furlough, or worse, have simply resigned due to extenuating circumstances. In my case, the pandemic has created an environment of chaos, causing unruly and psychotic behavior amongst otherwise tolerable coworkers. The whole gamut is included here: difficulty concentrating, suspiciousness, and outright anxiety. This has created a very hostile work environment, aggravating any preexisting stressors due to the public health crisis. Out of an effort to mitigate questionable conduct from escalating further, my resignation went in immediately, without a two weeks notice. Despite the sudden decision that was made, an email to my boss with a resignation letter went in the week before, but his ability to negotiate my stay at the job curtailed the letter, at least temporarily. Thankfully, with...

Whenever we try to figure out where we are headed, it seems as though a destination may never abound. Whether it has to do with a career change, choosing the right item on a menu, or starting a fad diet, it can all lead to a sense of frustration. The more we attempt to reconcile our indecisiveness, the more blurred the path towards a resolution becomes. We get stuck in an inevitable rut, which leads to more unproductive behavior. This lack of progress is considered a spiritual limbo: a place where people rarely escape from. Similar to a prison term, you may start to question the many choices you've made, and how you've brought about your current situation. These 'life lessons' no longer seem to have a rhyme or reason; what we once thought of as a learning experience can no longer serve us for the better. All the inner commotion can sink in and weigh us down heavily, causing us to reevaluate our purpose, our mode of existence and reality. These feelings can easily sti...

Writing has become a form of relief, a mental escape. All of the thoughts that seep through the crevices of my soul seem to elucidate my mental state, allowing me to self discover. At times, the task can prove challenging due to an inability to express myself justly. Matters of truth become vague and the illusion of my thoughts evade me. When my writing lags, my thoughts disappear into an infinite and invisible essence of time. This leaves me wondering whether this moment of reflection will ever return, to allow me to discover exactly where the synthesis of thoughts will lead me. This path of experiencing myself, allowing me to understand how to let my mind wander as it usually does, has given me a total sense of freedom. To allow myself to accept the intrusive nature of my mind and come to conclusions, all at once, has given me a sense of independence and control, one that has been long awaited for. Regardless of where my mind may lead me, the ability to come to terms with it and let ...

Now, more than ever, the world seems to be at a halt. Businesses are no longer booming like they used to. Our friends and family seem more agitated than ever. The idea of tomorrow seems like an eternity. Life in and of itself, doesn't seem as promising as it used to. The fantasy sold to us by a retirement account now seems like a nightmare: a nonexistent point in time. The world is not what it used to be, everyone seems dazed. No one can really articulate their panic properly, so we just overcompensate by buying in excess- a false sense of security. We are ready to do what ever it takes to get by, whether it be washing our hands repetitively or buying a $15 can of overpriced Lysol. When did life become so precious? Did it really have to take a worldwide pandemic to reflect on the fragility of our time here? I guess so. Now, more than ever, I've become quite reflective myself. Lots of time has been on my hands and inevitably, lots of it has been put to the test mentally. ...

You might let your perpetrators fall in and let you win, taking away from your very essence. If you do so, you've let them achieve their very motives, to consume you. Abuse in its most raw form, really seeks to dominate and assert an insidious control over its victim. It does this by way of psychological tactics that reach deep within the psyche of its victim, leaving them feeling breathless. This vulnerability has most likely been created through early childhood experiences, leaving them susceptible to the grasp of opportunistic abusers. This cycle can be very hard to break, even the most dedicated will fall many times before they can get up once more. Many never go on to break the cycle, they simply perpetuate it and live a victimized life, continuing to spread the contagious dis-ease of their mind. Fortunately, for those willing to become introspective and evaluate the details regarding what may lead to these series of unfortunate events, it can become an outlet of possibiliti...

Sometimes we ask for too much, from too much food at a restaurant, to too much pay at a job. We seem to get restless when we aren't producing or consuming as much as we can, whether it be just enough or an illusion. At times, we get wrapped up in our own sense of accomplishments, forgetting about those around us. We think that if we can be the best, outshine those around us, we will finally be the successful perfect version of ourselves; the one we've been dreaming of. Despite all of these efforts, we cannot seem to pinpoint why we seem to fall short. Our expectations seem to grow ever more, increasing with time as we age. You seem to envy the concept of complacency, an elusive emotion you have yet to experience. But, there you are, continuing to overachieve as much as possible to overcompensate for your shortcomings. Regardless of what we achieve or not, one thing that is certain is our finite amount of time on this planet. Starting from the basic concept of reality will l...

Amidst the chaos of the COVID-19 outbreak, I am left with many thoughts to ruminate. A flooding sense of impending doom overwhelms me, inevitably leading to stress. In times like these, I worry about getting enough sleep, eating nutritious foods, and being worry free. Paradoxically, in times like these, it becomes that much harder to take care of myself optimally. With this sense of losing control, it becomes hard to focus. A lot of times, my mind juggles multiple worries simultaneously, as if it wants to take control of the world. At other times, my emotions want to dominate my mind and leave me feeling sluggish and fatigued. All of these sensations make me unable to properly make decisions; something as simple as what to order on a take out menu or which flavor of juice to buy from the grocery store becomes a challenge. Living in this sort of frantic state is not alleviated much by the current public health crisis. Many of the folks I encounter out there seem to be just as frantic, i...

What comes to mind when you have a chemistry with someone? I think of many things, but what means most to me is a simple mutual understanding; not having to explain myself much to reach that point. The ability for someone to understand me within a moments notice, a transcendental experience that no one can explain, is what truly makes compatibility beyond this dimension. It might seem uncomfortable at first, but in reality it is what truly unites two people. If this person can fidget and you seem to just get it, you have achieved this kind of other worldly kind of unity (to a rational extent of course). The more time you spend with each other, the feeling should intensify over time. In some relationships, this may even lead to agitation. It can be quite disconcerting to reach this point of connection and in fact you may not even be in a relationship or meant to be in one, but somehow you've achieved this intertwined level of energy. You might think, am I going crazy? In fact, no yo...

I want to let it out, but I don't know how. I don't know what needs to come out to begin with. I need to address the root of it all, the cause of my demise. When did it all become complex? How did simplicity become just another notion in my life? As a child, I never imagined it would be this way. I figured problems would just go away somehow, without any effort required of me. But in reality, it is not quite that simple. It requires far more personal involvement in order to get emotionally repaired from life's woes. Thankfully, many of the battles given to me to defeat have lead me to become the person I am today. I am more than grateful to have been able to experience the upheaval because without it, I would be another boring person just wilting away. I would not have been able to develop a thought process behind complicated situations and my tenacity would not be what it is today. Many of us cringe at the thought of hardship or some sort of difficulty. In reality, it ...

Another day has come to an end and I am left with a feeling of doubt. Did I properly utilize all of my capacity at my job today? Could I have possibly done more to really say I lived today as if it were my last? I tend to ruminate, a lot, especially at the end of the day. Could I possibly be doing something else more worthy of my time? I guess you can say it isn't worth having all these questions enter my mind at this time of the day, but it is engrained within me to constantly reflect. My doubts are always cast at slight angles, depending on the situation along with my emotional state. I guess you can say I am too inward focused always trying to figure myself out amidst a chaotic world around me. Who else wouldn't be in a perplexed state of mind considering the nature of the current events. The world continues to revolve in a state of crisis, from the constant blare of the news to the next mounting pandemic. It is easy to be overwhelmed and agitated from the constant influx of...

I step on the train and hope today is not the day. I hope that it's all a hoax, an uproar, or a false alarm. I hope it's not what it seems to be, an asymptomatic virus capable of silent transmission, similar to an airborne HIV. We hope to find the root cause of it all, but there are too many news articles to decipher. But, it just keeps spreading, like a wildfire seeking to wipe out humanity. I try to avoid it altogether, but it reappears, whether it be through simple conversation or another news flash. Now you can find a mask anywhere, even at stores that normally don't supply these items. It is becoming serious, to a pandemic degree. This really further escalates anxiety, just one more burden to carry. The ever mounting worries that we carry continue to grow, continue to develop and unfold. Can we really continue and hold on any more? Regardless of the perceived threat of danger that revolves around us, we must continue forward. We must push against the wave of fear, th...

What is your definition of a beautiful day? You step onto the train and finally find a seat without having to push and shove for one? Or you simply made it, somehow you pulled through the day. I think both of these are great versions of inner beauty, an overall feeling of gratitude. The feeling of accomplishment that radiates from your aura, touching upon others in various ways, whether it be through a twinkle in your eye or a mutual smile with a stranger. All these forms of beauty can easily touch upon us, but as with everything in life, it may come with a price. Beauty is an all encompassing word, it can mean so many different things to so many different people. Each and every one of us has a unique story behind our version of beauty and where it came from. To some, beauty is an outward feature to manufacture by all means possible, whether it be plastic surgery or cosmetic products. And that is totally fine, as long as you can feel it in your soul, the effects of your constructed v...

A lot of people have probably come to ask themselves this mystical question. Should I just walk away from my main source of income? Well, you've come to the right person to ask. I have quit numerous jobs. Thankfully, for the record, I have not quit on the spot. I have certainly quit without a two weeks notice though. To make my point clear, it's never the right time to quit your job if you have no other job lined up. It definitely does not look stable to prospective employers when you have done so on a whim. They would certainly suspect that YOU are inevitably the problem. They will jump the gun and most likely not hire you based on this rash decision. Unless, you certainly have a "valid explanation". You can simply let them know that you wanted to focus your efforts on attending interviews, researching new career prospects, and focusing on your long-term goals. You can also mention that it would be impossible to arrange your interviews with your previous work schedul...

Sometimes I have no way. No way to let it escape, somehow. It just keeps on building, no way to pretend. No way to fake, no way to masquerade. No word, gesture, or action can amend it. It just keeps brewing, slowly and steadily. Until one day, it will rupture, it will flow. My essence will truly shine and be free. I can be who I want to be. I can open up, no remorse, shame or guilt. I can just be, whether I like it, or you like it. Insecurity will no longer lead. I can extend and reach out, a true form of flexibility. A yoga pose cannot describe it. That is okay, it's not supposed to. Sense will not be made, And I will not seek solace. I will just float, and gravity will save me.

For most of my working life, I've never quite grasped the secret of maintaining a job in the long-term. I have yet to master the soft skills required: small talk, politics, and personality. Perhaps, I am just not meant to live the corporate lifestyle? Or maybe I simply don't want to conform to pre-existing norms. Could it be that introverts have no place in the workforce other than a small corner in an office with minimal interaction with their coworkers? I've always been taciturn and uncertain about which step to make moving forward. But, I have never lost the will power to continue moving, whether it be two steps forward or one backwards, I continue moving. I try not to harp on these temporary jobs that seem hard to pin down. It is almost as if I have no desire to keep them anyways. Typical of a gypsy soul, right?  Are they really worth my time? Is it worth dealing with bosses and supervisors constantly dictating my every move? Maybe these malfunctions are there to serv...

After a long and grueling day at work, I was more than ready to unwind. More than anything, I had a lot on my mind, particularly on Valentine's Day. Of course, I was never good with gifts, but more than anything , I wanted to offer something memorable. I had always been a fan of hot chocolate, especially a decadent cup from Daily Provisions in Upper West Side Manhattan (78th and Amsterdam Ave). Whenever I sip on a carefully crafted cup of hot chocolate, regardless of any circumstances, they are all forgotten in that instance. The smooth and rich chocolate, the creamy texture of the whipped cream, and the dainty marshmallow all comfort and dissipate my stress. It is as if my mind were to be wiped clean in just one sip of this chocolatey goodness. The complex and rich combination of three kinds of chocolate and the fresh cream from Upstate New York will provide your palate with a heavenly retreat. Thankfully for me, this was more than just a simple cup of hot chocolate. The cheerf...

Everyday we are reminded of the routine, get up in the morning, produce, and repeat. There is usually never a moment of hesitation to think that this cycle will unendingly repeat itself. No one ever stops and asks themselves, "what if tonight is my last, and I never see the sun tomorrow morning?" We get wrapped up in a state of immortality when in reality, we are far from it. Everything from money, emotions, and health are all just momentary in their existence. Many of us hope to be eternal, but no one can really put their finger on that either. So we are left with a sense of doom, an internal battle on how to live. Do we really live for just today, or do we embrace for tomorrow and the many days to come after our presence has left this earth? It's a constant mental battle that influences our every action whether we know it or not. Our inward thoughts definitely manifest themselves in some way or another regardless of whether we are in tune with that reality or not. Unfor...

Have you ever wanted to just take a day off and get away? It's not unusual to feel this way, especially when you live and work in "The Big Apple". In response to my intuition, I decided to head to Jamaica, a neighborhood in Queens, New York. In search of a bit of foreign delight, I encountered an assortment of hardware stores, delis, and eateries. After transferring from one bus to another, I eventually made it to a Guatemalan restaurant and bakery known as "Guatelinda". The outside of the restaurant gave off an unassuming and modest vibe, which is exactly what I needed- a cozy atmosphere. As soon as I entered, I was definitely taken aback by the assortment of spices commonly used in Central American cuisine. Not to mention, the fellow Guatemalans in there also seemed pretty laid back and gave off an innocuous energy. It was perfect timing to enjoy a simple cup of "Horchata": a Mexican cinnamon-y drink that will caress your soul. Next came the mai...

We’ve all heard of it before. Maybe it struck a chord deep within. Maybe not. You can’t really tell anyways. You’re too numb to internalize anything, anyways. You register it all at once, or not at all. You let it build up and consume you. People around you notice, you remind yourself once more. Heightened senses make your logic unrecognizable. You can’t process what’s on your mind. Your energy becomes disorganized, An interrupted soul. Hope becomes a nonexistent entity, Far beyond your reach anyways. A source of divinity, you hope will make amends; Or just drown away, illicitly.

So much to say in such a short amount of time, an intro will not do justice to my forethoughts. I’ve always wanted to write; not so much as a form of therapy. Selfishness is not one of my outward attributes. Of course, it would be great if I could make a living out of this so called passion, but nothing is ever as straightforward as it seems, especially when it comes to lucrative matters. Please bear with me if my thought process becomes incoherent or it if it seems as if my thoughts originated from a cellar. I may not always conform to punctuation and grammatical standards. It’s not what you think it is. I can assure you it’s not just outright insanity. My words may at times become scrambled and fail to give a sense of understanding. If you get lost in trying to understand my thought process, just remember one simple rule-we aren’t supposed to make sense. No one is meant to perfectly articulate their every single thought regardless of their level of coherence. And again, onc...